Me: Lately, I’ve been quantifying emotional experiences fiscally.
Friend: So, you’ve been putting dollar signs on your emotions.
Me: Kind of. It’s like, you know my dog?
Friend: We’ve met.
Me: Yeah, well I love my dog five grand.
Friend: I don’t get it.
Me: If it would cost more than five grand to save my dog’s life, I’d just have him put to sleep.
Friend: What about me? What would you pay to keep me alive?
Me: Hmm… not much.
Love is a tricky thing to define. Fortunately for you, you don’t need to. You’ve got me . Now, some people will tell you that no one can pound out a few words in a few minutes and accurately define love. Some people can bugger off. I’m doing it.
Love for Humanity in General Now, by love for humanity in general, I do not mean pity for every panhandler that wants a dime. I mean love for your fellow strangers on this here chunk of spinning dirt. You should love people you do not know (or respect) enough to avoid murdering or bullying. Anything else is really your call.
Love for Your Casual Friends Your casual friends are people you drink with, watch football with, and are generally entertained by. If they need bail money, you should try to raise it, but don’t take the entire burden on yourself because it’s not like you really know these people. I mean, y’all are casual.
Love for Your Best Friends If you have the money, you should use it to bail your best friends out of jail. (Also, you should always help your best friends move.) If they end up in the hospital or some other drastic misery happens, you should probably cough up a couple hundred to see their way clear. Also, don’t stalk their girls. It’s just not nice.
Love for Your Spouse/Fiancée The way I figure it, if you’re dedicating your life to a person, you should be willing to dedicate half of every- thing you have. I mean, it’s what they’ll get if they divorce your anyway.
Love for Your Family Assuming they didn’t beat the misery out of you with regularity, abandon you in a dumpster, or kill your spouse, fiancée or best friend(s), you should give these people all you got.
Provided they truly need it. I mean, no need to be an enabler, here.
So there you go. Philosophers and scientists have tried to quantify and define love for hundreds of years and I just did it in a few minutes. This just goes to show that I am a genius and philosophers and scien- tists are dumb. What can I say? I’m just that good.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to work on that nagging world peace problem
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